Thursday, April 13, 2006

How To Beat Up Your Dad

DISCLAIMER: This article is for entertainment purposes only. If you are uptight or are in the practice of putting sticks up your butt, then you should probably stop reading this entry and go and do that. Thanks.
There comes a time in every males life when he starts going through some changes. No, not puberty...well yes puberty, but more specifically, the time just after. Indeed, a time when he is no longer a little boy, but a promising young man.

Before stepping foot into manhood, there is a certain task that must be accomplished first. No, not the loss of his virginity. The task at hand is much more meaningful.

You have to beat up your dad.

That's right. Kick the old man's ass. Why? Well how else are you going to measure yourself up? How else are you going to know your limits? Slapping the hand that once fed you. Beating up the man whom you used to idolize, the man who you wanted to be.

Well here's your chance. There's only room for one at the top. One alpha male, one dominant wolf, one man of the house, one king of the castle, and damnit, I wanna be king!

Timmy: "Gee, your'e right! ....but how do I go about doing this? I'm no match for old man strength!"

You're absoluty right Timmy. Noone is a match for old man strength. Noone except other old men, in which case it just cancels itself out.

For those of you who don't know what "old man strength" is, it is an almost super hero strength possed by men 50 years and older that is used for winning arm wrestling matches, bending precious metals, cracking nuts with their bare hands, intimidating their daughters boyfriends, and chopping down various species of tree's.

Because of this ability, one must posses a certain "creative sportsmanship" when squaring off with the old man.

Here's how to win:

1. Previous injuries

The guy has lived a long time. He's probably played some type of sports in his hayday and come away with some not so precious trophies. Your mission is to attack those areas as quickly and as forcfully as possible.

2. His emotions

Distract him with the fond memories of you two going camping or fishing. Remind him of when he used to coach your little league team and how proud you were to be his son. Thank him for being a great dad, and then give him a swift kick to the balls. It will leave him dazed and confused while his mind re-hashes the memories you have made together. There is no better way to demoralize a man than this.

3. Take mom hostage

When worst comes to worst, take mom hostage. Grab her from behind by her kneck and tell dad that if he doesn't let you be king, you're going to be queen. It's either him or her. He will immediatly bow before thee and relinquish his powers in order to save the woman he loves.

4. Cut off his resources

Goto his house while he's at work and take every last bit of food in his house. After you've done that, call the water and electric company and cancel all of his services. Next, feng shui his whole house. Put the bedroom furniture in his office, his office in his kitchen, his kitchen in his bathroom and his garage in the back yard. When he comes home, he will be in such a state of shock that you will easily be able to ambush him as he circles the house wondering what is going on.

5. Kill his dog

A man's source of strength, passion, happiness, and life all come from one place. No, not his wife. His dog. If you kill the dog, you kill the man. Simple as that.

So! Hopefully you have taken this guide to heart and will be prepared as you embark on manhood.

Thank you.


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