Monday, April 17, 2006

How To Start A Boy Band

DISCLAIMER: If you don't like reading satirical, entertainment value articles, then go fix yourself a quesadilla.
Do you like screaming underaged teeny bopper girls? Niether do I. However, I do like groupie older sisters, and that's just what you'll get after you form your very own Boy Band.

Yes, in an age of solo artists and pussy cat dolls, we have a very distinct hole in our hearts that can only be filled with one thing. Teen spirit. I'm talking about the all american bonified corn fed boy band.

Now I know what you've been thinking. I know you've spent many many sleepless nights pondering one thing:

"How can I start my own boy band?"

Well here I am to help. Tonight you're going to learn how to fullfill your dreams.

1. Group Name

When considering a group name, you have to follow these rules:

A. Group name must have absolutly no personal relevence to you or anyone in your group.

Example: Pop Tarts, Wilderbeasts, GOM or Glass of Milk

B. Group name must reference a road of some sort.

Example: Boystreet, Puberty street, Music Lane

C. Group name must contain sexual undertones

Example: The Golden Showers, The Corn dogz, The Mammeries, The Sausages

2. Group Personalities

A. Bad Boy

The bad boy is the guy who snorts coke off the ass's of the groupie hoes in the back of the tour bus before and after every show. Showing up drunk to rehersals is common and sometimes he will use your hotel robe for cleaning up the love juice he leaves in your bed. He will bang sluts in every city/state/country you travel to and will inevitably end up in rehab for some sort of addiction. His definition of "giving back to the community" is leaving his bastard children behind.

B. The Older Guy

The older guy is someone who will sing love songs to 14 year old girls on stage while he himself is over 35, but noone will seem to notice or care. He is obviously a charity case, meaning the band manager owed him from poker last Thurseday so he decided to let him be in the boy band. He is the father figure (pun intended), he'll be over the hill by your 2nd cd and will be a grandfather by the time your greatest hits collection comes out.

C. The HeartThrob

The HeartThrob is usually the leader of the group. He handles all the important questions like:

"What's your favorite color?"
"What's your favorite food?"
"What do you like most in a girl?"

To which he will respond:

Honesty and Caring

To which he really meant:

Short and tight
"A lady in the street but a freak in the bed"

D. The Fag

The Fag is overly sensitive and will take the whole group thing a little too far. He will subtly bring up that they should consider taking group showers (for fun, duh!) and have pillow fights, in the midst of conversations. He only drinks Figi bottled water and over uses the phrase, "I swear".

He will also make outrageous dressing room demands such as:

Bowl of delicious fruits
2.4 cups of Chocolate pudding
Barrel of assorted popcorn flavors
Twin midgets
5 ham sandwiches
9 pints of mexican rice and beans
1 tube of raspberry flavored anal lube
3 british fighter pilots
10 cups of non-fat assorted flavored yogurt
1 raindeer hoof

C. The "who invited that guy?" guy

This guy looks like they needed a 5th member so they gave the dude who was fixing the air conditioning in the studio a hair cut and a manicure and told him he was gonna be famous. He's the guy who's name you can never remember and who when the band breaks up, will end up working at your local Sac N' Save.

E. The rapist

The rapist typically sports some sort of awkward facial hair and a shiny metallic shirt. He suggests photo shoots under water falls surrounded by beautiful young women. As opposed to 'The Fag', his dressing room damands usually consist of:

1 roll of duct tape
edible panties (that he will eat off himself)
1 pair of puffy handcuffs
10 pack of date rape roofies
1 leather braided bull whip with matching executioners mask
1 pack of BallPark Franks

So! Hopefully you will use this information when choosing your boy band name and it's members.

Good Night.

-Johnny Digital

Thursday, April 13, 2006

How To Beat Up Your Dad

DISCLAIMER: This article is for entertainment purposes only. If you are uptight or are in the practice of putting sticks up your butt, then you should probably stop reading this entry and go and do that. Thanks.
There comes a time in every males life when he starts going through some changes. No, not puberty...well yes puberty, but more specifically, the time just after. Indeed, a time when he is no longer a little boy, but a promising young man.

Before stepping foot into manhood, there is a certain task that must be accomplished first. No, not the loss of his virginity. The task at hand is much more meaningful.

You have to beat up your dad.

That's right. Kick the old man's ass. Why? Well how else are you going to measure yourself up? How else are you going to know your limits? Slapping the hand that once fed you. Beating up the man whom you used to idolize, the man who you wanted to be.

Well here's your chance. There's only room for one at the top. One alpha male, one dominant wolf, one man of the house, one king of the castle, and damnit, I wanna be king!

Timmy: "Gee, your'e right! ....but how do I go about doing this? I'm no match for old man strength!"

You're absoluty right Timmy. Noone is a match for old man strength. Noone except other old men, in which case it just cancels itself out.

For those of you who don't know what "old man strength" is, it is an almost super hero strength possed by men 50 years and older that is used for winning arm wrestling matches, bending precious metals, cracking nuts with their bare hands, intimidating their daughters boyfriends, and chopping down various species of tree's.

Because of this ability, one must posses a certain "creative sportsmanship" when squaring off with the old man.

Here's how to win:

1. Previous injuries

The guy has lived a long time. He's probably played some type of sports in his hayday and come away with some not so precious trophies. Your mission is to attack those areas as quickly and as forcfully as possible.

2. His emotions

Distract him with the fond memories of you two going camping or fishing. Remind him of when he used to coach your little league team and how proud you were to be his son. Thank him for being a great dad, and then give him a swift kick to the balls. It will leave him dazed and confused while his mind re-hashes the memories you have made together. There is no better way to demoralize a man than this.

3. Take mom hostage

When worst comes to worst, take mom hostage. Grab her from behind by her kneck and tell dad that if he doesn't let you be king, you're going to be queen. It's either him or her. He will immediatly bow before thee and relinquish his powers in order to save the woman he loves.

4. Cut off his resources

Goto his house while he's at work and take every last bit of food in his house. After you've done that, call the water and electric company and cancel all of his services. Next, feng shui his whole house. Put the bedroom furniture in his office, his office in his kitchen, his kitchen in his bathroom and his garage in the back yard. When he comes home, he will be in such a state of shock that you will easily be able to ambush him as he circles the house wondering what is going on.

5. Kill his dog

A man's source of strength, passion, happiness, and life all come from one place. No, not his wife. His dog. If you kill the dog, you kill the man. Simple as that.

So! Hopefully you have taken this guide to heart and will be prepared as you embark on manhood.

Thank you.


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