Wednesday, March 29, 2006

How To Be A Successful Gangster

DISCLAIMER: As always, the following article is in no way associated with the beliefs and morals of the author and he takes no responsibility what-so-ever, not only with this blong entry, but anything he has done, is doing, or will do in the future, past and present. Thank you.
We live in a day and age where violence is everywhere we turn. War and suffering is served as the daily digest; the direct result of good men doing nothing. Well I am here to tell you that you don't have to be a victim. No, there is a way to stand up against the tides of crime and violence and that way, is to become a gangster yourself.

That's right, if you can't beat em', join em'.

"I hate to advocate drugs, alcohol, violence, or insanity to anyone, but they've always worked for me." - Hunter S. Thompson

We've all seen Scarface, so we know that this theory is succesful. Tony Montana was tired of being pushed around by rich colombian scum who he should have been giving orders to in the first place, so he decided to beat them at their own game. Yes, he rose through the ranks and ended up killing his old boss and going on a coke binge, previous to being shot tens and tens of times all over his body by Isreali made 9mm automatic UZI's.

So! If we've learned anything from Tony, it's that image matters most. If people aren't afraid of you, then you're nothing. Let's take a look at a few examples of some 'do's and don'ts':

Don't pose with your handicap paraphernalia.

Barbara: "But a cane makes me look pimp!"

Negatory. A cane gives off the impression that you need it. That you are a handicap. Although handicap people are regular contributors to society, they have no place in the gangster world. How is he going to run from the po-po? What if you and your buddy are slangin' dope on a street corner one night and are suddenly caught in the headlights of a squad car? I know he claims to be of your own flesh and blood ("cuz") but he will not think twice about pushing you down and jumping fences when the going gets tough.

Do pose with drug paraphernalia.

Don't pose with cheap fruity liquors AND Don't pose in your roofing workshop.

Why? Well let's take a look at some Parrot Bay drinks:
Lesbian Lover
Dressed Up Pina Colada
Blue Midnight
Easy Creamsicle
Sweet Lollishots

Imagine Raphael hosting a shin-dig at his crib in the hood one saturday night.

Jameriquie: "Say dawg, hook me up wit some-a-dat shiet."

Raphael (gay voice): "Well what would you like? We've got some lovely spritzers! My favorite is the Easy Creamsicle, oh my gosh, it's fantastic. Very fruity and delicious!

Jameriquie would then proceed to bust a cap in his ass.

Do serve Blavod - The world's only black vodka. A personal favorite.

Don't use hand signs that may be mis-interpreted as nocturnal animals.

Who is going to take you seriously? Not me. Although, I must give them points for posing in what looks like a jail cell. However, points off for flexing in the midst of other men.

Finally, the most important part of being a gangster, your face. One must strike fear into the hearts of their enemies with one single look.

Here are some examples of a BAD, non threatening face:

See? Not scary at all.

Now, Before you read any further, I must caution you, the images you are about to see are of professional gangsters and although you can feel the intimidation oozing from your pc moniter, I must urge you to finish the article, for it may very well save your life one day.

GOOD, scary, intimidating faces:

and now, for the grand finale: Johnny Digital himself! (cover your eyes and scroll if you are under 18.)

Ok, you can look now.

Remember, a succesful gangster shows no mercy. A successful gangster is always one step ahead of his enemy. A successful gangster is a happy gangster.


Anonymous punky said...

oh man...i have to show this to my little brother that swears hes gangsta

9:49 AM  

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