Monday, August 14, 2006

Monday, April 17, 2006

How To Start A Boy Band

DISCLAIMER: If you don't like reading satirical, entertainment value articles, then go fix yourself a quesadilla.
Do you like screaming underaged teeny bopper girls? Niether do I. However, I do like groupie older sisters, and that's just what you'll get after you form your very own Boy Band.

Yes, in an age of solo artists and pussy cat dolls, we have a very distinct hole in our hearts that can only be filled with one thing. Teen spirit. I'm talking about the all american bonified corn fed boy band.

Now I know what you've been thinking. I know you've spent many many sleepless nights pondering one thing:

"How can I start my own boy band?"

Well here I am to help. Tonight you're going to learn how to fullfill your dreams.

1. Group Name

When considering a group name, you have to follow these rules:

A. Group name must have absolutly no personal relevence to you or anyone in your group.

Example: Pop Tarts, Wilderbeasts, GOM or Glass of Milk

B. Group name must reference a road of some sort.

Example: Boystreet, Puberty street, Music Lane

C. Group name must contain sexual undertones

Example: The Golden Showers, The Corn dogz, The Mammeries, The Sausages

2. Group Personalities

A. Bad Boy

The bad boy is the guy who snorts coke off the ass's of the groupie hoes in the back of the tour bus before and after every show. Showing up drunk to rehersals is common and sometimes he will use your hotel robe for cleaning up the love juice he leaves in your bed. He will bang sluts in every city/state/country you travel to and will inevitably end up in rehab for some sort of addiction. His definition of "giving back to the community" is leaving his bastard children behind.

B. The Older Guy

The older guy is someone who will sing love songs to 14 year old girls on stage while he himself is over 35, but noone will seem to notice or care. He is obviously a charity case, meaning the band manager owed him from poker last Thurseday so he decided to let him be in the boy band. He is the father figure (pun intended), he'll be over the hill by your 2nd cd and will be a grandfather by the time your greatest hits collection comes out.

C. The HeartThrob

The HeartThrob is usually the leader of the group. He handles all the important questions like:

"What's your favorite color?"
"What's your favorite food?"
"What do you like most in a girl?"

To which he will respond:

Honesty and Caring

To which he really meant:

Short and tight
"A lady in the street but a freak in the bed"

D. The Fag

The Fag is overly sensitive and will take the whole group thing a little too far. He will subtly bring up that they should consider taking group showers (for fun, duh!) and have pillow fights, in the midst of conversations. He only drinks Figi bottled water and over uses the phrase, "I swear".

He will also make outrageous dressing room demands such as:

Bowl of delicious fruits
2.4 cups of Chocolate pudding
Barrel of assorted popcorn flavors
Twin midgets
5 ham sandwiches
9 pints of mexican rice and beans
1 tube of raspberry flavored anal lube
3 british fighter pilots
10 cups of non-fat assorted flavored yogurt
1 raindeer hoof

C. The "who invited that guy?" guy

This guy looks like they needed a 5th member so they gave the dude who was fixing the air conditioning in the studio a hair cut and a manicure and told him he was gonna be famous. He's the guy who's name you can never remember and who when the band breaks up, will end up working at your local Sac N' Save.

E. The rapist

The rapist typically sports some sort of awkward facial hair and a shiny metallic shirt. He suggests photo shoots under water falls surrounded by beautiful young women. As opposed to 'The Fag', his dressing room damands usually consist of:

1 roll of duct tape
edible panties (that he will eat off himself)
1 pair of puffy handcuffs
10 pack of date rape roofies
1 leather braided bull whip with matching executioners mask
1 pack of BallPark Franks

So! Hopefully you will use this information when choosing your boy band name and it's members.

Good Night.

-Johnny Digital

Thursday, April 13, 2006

How To Beat Up Your Dad

DISCLAIMER: This article is for entertainment purposes only. If you are uptight or are in the practice of putting sticks up your butt, then you should probably stop reading this entry and go and do that. Thanks.
There comes a time in every males life when he starts going through some changes. No, not puberty...well yes puberty, but more specifically, the time just after. Indeed, a time when he is no longer a little boy, but a promising young man.

Before stepping foot into manhood, there is a certain task that must be accomplished first. No, not the loss of his virginity. The task at hand is much more meaningful.

You have to beat up your dad.

That's right. Kick the old man's ass. Why? Well how else are you going to measure yourself up? How else are you going to know your limits? Slapping the hand that once fed you. Beating up the man whom you used to idolize, the man who you wanted to be.

Well here's your chance. There's only room for one at the top. One alpha male, one dominant wolf, one man of the house, one king of the castle, and damnit, I wanna be king!

Timmy: "Gee, your'e right! ....but how do I go about doing this? I'm no match for old man strength!"

You're absoluty right Timmy. Noone is a match for old man strength. Noone except other old men, in which case it just cancels itself out.

For those of you who don't know what "old man strength" is, it is an almost super hero strength possed by men 50 years and older that is used for winning arm wrestling matches, bending precious metals, cracking nuts with their bare hands, intimidating their daughters boyfriends, and chopping down various species of tree's.

Because of this ability, one must posses a certain "creative sportsmanship" when squaring off with the old man.

Here's how to win:

1. Previous injuries

The guy has lived a long time. He's probably played some type of sports in his hayday and come away with some not so precious trophies. Your mission is to attack those areas as quickly and as forcfully as possible.

2. His emotions

Distract him with the fond memories of you two going camping or fishing. Remind him of when he used to coach your little league team and how proud you were to be his son. Thank him for being a great dad, and then give him a swift kick to the balls. It will leave him dazed and confused while his mind re-hashes the memories you have made together. There is no better way to demoralize a man than this.

3. Take mom hostage

When worst comes to worst, take mom hostage. Grab her from behind by her kneck and tell dad that if he doesn't let you be king, you're going to be queen. It's either him or her. He will immediatly bow before thee and relinquish his powers in order to save the woman he loves.

4. Cut off his resources

Goto his house while he's at work and take every last bit of food in his house. After you've done that, call the water and electric company and cancel all of his services. Next, feng shui his whole house. Put the bedroom furniture in his office, his office in his kitchen, his kitchen in his bathroom and his garage in the back yard. When he comes home, he will be in such a state of shock that you will easily be able to ambush him as he circles the house wondering what is going on.

5. Kill his dog

A man's source of strength, passion, happiness, and life all come from one place. No, not his wife. His dog. If you kill the dog, you kill the man. Simple as that.

So! Hopefully you have taken this guide to heart and will be prepared as you embark on manhood.

Thank you.


Myspace users, check out my...myspace.

Friday, March 31, 2006

Violins, Horses, and Party Hats: A Short Story


You're out for a night on the town with your girlfriend. After a romantic dinner and soiree at a cozy european eatery, you decide to slip into the pub around the corner to grab her favorite red wine (a soft, medium bodied Merlot with a hint of sweet currant) and two wine glasses; to go. You walk arm in arm on this cold fall night; she's now sporting your dinner jacket over her sexy small black dress. Left with only your dark turtleneck and scarf, you glance down at her rosie cheeks and are content with your temporary discomfort, becuase she is warm.

As you make your way to the park on the outskirts of downtown, you spill over the unique table side entertainment that was experienced at dinner.

How the funny old man and his little violin serenade brought you out of your conversational trance and made you aware of your surroundings. You note with a wisper the irony of the situation, in that, "Aren't these sort of things supposed to be romatic? ". She snickers into her cloth napkin and trys desperatly to 'shush' you.

"Don't make me laugh!", she communicates with her eyes.

As she watches amusingly at the old man, with his grin, swaying back and forth to the melody of his own veranda, you secretly watch her. The candle light casting shadows below her soft cheek bone, outlining her jaw and accenting the the side of her nose. You follow the features of her face, from her beautiful red lips, to her elegant chin, to the cute dimple she only has on her right cheek, and then up to her bright, green eyes. You feel the corner of your lips spread upward as you exhale and take in the atmosphere. This is a good night.

Nearing the park you can still hear the distant buzz of the city, the bright lights now reduced to a soft glow. As you make your way down the cobblestone street, you see a street vendor selling roses at an outrageous price. The old woman catches sight of you and boasts, "A pretty rose for your sweetheart?" You smile and ask your girlfriend if it would be terribly cliche to buy her one, who then replies with a shy nod "no" into your shoulder.

You're at the entrance to the park now. Your girlfriend smells her rose and notes the 'Park Curfew' sign. You playfully sneak into the park being careful to stay out of the lamp posts range. You make your way to a tree that overlooks a small pond. The water glistens against the moon. All the ducks and ducklings are nowhere to be found, tucked away on this cold fall night. You sit down beneath the tree that shelters you from the wind, taking her into your lap so she won't get dirty on the ground. Both wine glasses are full now and you propose a toast. Trying not to sound too cheesy, you grin and softly say, "To us."

Just as your glasses are about to chime in agreement, a light flashes from your back rightside. It catches you in it's beam and you hear a voice. "Freeze!"

In the blink of an eye, you are both to your feet. The origin of the voice comes into view and you realize it's a mounted police officer. His horse let's out a firm nostrel breath as he walks toward you. As you turn back to your girlfriend, to your utter suprise, she is gone.

"Damnit, that bitch bailed on me!", you curse under your breathe. I can't go back to jail, her words echo in your mind. You take the wine bottle by the neck and heave it into the shadow of the horse cop. Turning to run, you hear the shattering of the bottle, but to your amazment, followed by a playful grunt and "I love the thrill of the hunt."

"WTF?!", you scream inside. Your legs pumping faster and faster across the grassy bank of the pond. "Wait a second, he's on horseback, he can't follow me into the dense brush! A sudden left takes you up the slight hill and into a collection of trees and brush. You look back to see the horse cop come to a stop at the perimeter. It looks like he may turn around. A swell of confidence and calmness comes over you.

All of a sudden, they charge your cover, dodging trees, weaving between bushes. You scramble to find a weapon of some sort before he sees you. Discovering a large log, you lift it to your shoulder and crouch behind a cut down tree. It's trunk is not wide enough to conceal you and your log, so you hoist it to the right side of the tree and freeze it in the air, trying to make it seem like it's attached. The horse cop comes to a halt where you just were, sensing your presense. The horses brain computes the image of the interesting tree trunk as the cop scans the brush. "That's not a fucking tree", the horse realizes.

Just as they approach your newfound cover, you spring into action, swinging the log like you were Barry Bonds (except without the steriods) and his head was a fast ball coming straight down the pipe. You connect and the startled horse bucks the officer from his saddle.

Recognizing the opportunity, you rush the fallen officer and stomp his face and balls interchangeably. With the officer down for the count, you seize his mystical batman-esk utility belt and take in hand his mace. As the horse turns to face you, you give him a taste of the burning liquid. You notice something you hadn't before: The horse is wearing a protective shield over his face.

FUCK. Clasping the fallen officers belt around your waist, you unholster his 9mm semi automatic pistol and empty the clip into the horses protective face shield. As you stand over the horse cop, the bottom half of the duo let's out a final "nay", and slips into eternity.

All of a sudden, the park lights are brought to life and people with funny looking hats come out from the brush with blank expressions. Party hats, you consider. With a mono tone voice, one of the people say's "Happy Anniversary", followed by a few others. You see your girlfriend now, with a look of shock on her face. She runs to the side of the fallen horse cop screaming, "Paul!"

Doesn't she have a brother named Paul?

The world spins around you as you hear the crowd murmer things like, "Asshole." and "What a douche." Feeling your surroundings closing in on you, you silently reload the gun. Sensing your mental anguish, someone yells, "He's gonna kill himself!" As they run to stop you, you cock the gun and take aim, pulling the trigger once.

Your girlfriend falls to the ground limp, with a small hole in her forhead and you shriek, "Bitch, noone plays me for a fool!"

The End

Disclaimer: This post was supposed to be about horse police and how to get away from them if you ever get in trouble, but sorta mutated in to something else as I wrote. Kinda made me feel, "WTF" afterwards, lol. Oh and I take no responsibility.

Wednesday, March 29, 2006

5 Reasons Girls Shouldn't Shave Their Legs

DISCLAIMER: The following article in no way represents the authors views on women, their appearence, beliefs, morals, or their supposed "rights". (kidding!) This article is for entertainment purposes only and should be taken as such. I love you.
1. Ingrown Hairs

If you like ingrown hairs, raise your hand. I personally have never experienced the pleasure of having an ingrown hair burrowing beneath the skin on my leg, but I hear they're devine. No really, common shaving methods often hurt or irritate the hair follicle, resulting in a hair uprising. Both in the sense of growing upwards, and as in, revolting against a higher power. YOU. Consider Exhibit 1 as you ponder the topic at hand:


2. Rape

Rape is a sad thing that, believe it or not, still happens today. As they teach in the women's groups, rape can be prevented IF you are prepared. So the next time the guy in the shiny metallic short sleeve shirt starts eye balling you at your local club hot spot, just hike up your leg on the bar and give him a taste of his own medicine. Hair medicine that is. But really, what guy is going to rape you if you have more hair on your legs than he does?

In a recent poll of guys aged 18-21, a staggering 100 percent say that they would rather sleep naked in a bed with R.Kelly than to rape a girl with bear legs.

I made a bar graph of the poll results:


3. Objectifying

Strong women throughout the world (when I say 'world', I mean the USA and when I say 'strong' I mean lesbians) have fought hard (when I say 'fought', I mean held picket signs and wrote strongly worded letters) to preserve their right to choose and be independant from the evil men who are the bain of their very lives. They see a guy open a door for a lady or pay for the bill and they say "Why can't WE open doors and pay for bills? We're just as good as they are!" Women like these would argue that shaving your legs makes you more appealing to the beady eyes of men and therefore objectifying yourself.

Noone wants to be seen as a raw piece of meat do they?

4. To be Amish

Why would anyone want to be Amish you may ask? Well for one, they don't pay social security tax. That means that the clever bastards can sell all the corn and hay they want to eachother and not have to fork over any money to the government! There are also some other advantages of daily living such as:

1. NO gang warfare!
2. NO "out of network" signal!
3. NO spam mail!
4. NO guilt for rolling up their windows on pan handlers!
5. NO running water! .....wait.....

Think of everything you're missing! And once you take the simple step of becoming Amish, there will never be any temptation to shave again! (cause old man Fisher will wrap your knuckles like a catholic nun to a disruptive school boy)


5. Add spice to your relationship

You complain that you want more communication from him and he complains that he wants to see more of your wild side. Nothing will usher in an exciting night like your boyfriend thinking he's petting your dog, only to find out that it is your knee cap. It will have him asking all sorts of delicous communication filled questions, such as:

"Dude, WTF?"
"Dude, WTH?"
"Dude, WTFH?"
"Dude, WTH is going on?"

Letting the hair run a muck on your legs is a sure fire why to get your relationship up to par and into gear.

So as you can see, NOT shaving your legs will benifit your safety, abstinance, independence, wallet, and love life.

Thank you.

How To Be A Successful Gangster

DISCLAIMER: As always, the following article is in no way associated with the beliefs and morals of the author and he takes no responsibility what-so-ever, not only with this blong entry, but anything he has done, is doing, or will do in the future, past and present. Thank you.
We live in a day and age where violence is everywhere we turn. War and suffering is served as the daily digest; the direct result of good men doing nothing. Well I am here to tell you that you don't have to be a victim. No, there is a way to stand up against the tides of crime and violence and that way, is to become a gangster yourself.

That's right, if you can't beat em', join em'.

"I hate to advocate drugs, alcohol, violence, or insanity to anyone, but they've always worked for me." - Hunter S. Thompson

We've all seen Scarface, so we know that this theory is succesful. Tony Montana was tired of being pushed around by rich colombian scum who he should have been giving orders to in the first place, so he decided to beat them at their own game. Yes, he rose through the ranks and ended up killing his old boss and going on a coke binge, previous to being shot tens and tens of times all over his body by Isreali made 9mm automatic UZI's.

So! If we've learned anything from Tony, it's that image matters most. If people aren't afraid of you, then you're nothing. Let's take a look at a few examples of some 'do's and don'ts':

Don't pose with your handicap paraphernalia.

Barbara: "But a cane makes me look pimp!"

Negatory. A cane gives off the impression that you need it. That you are a handicap. Although handicap people are regular contributors to society, they have no place in the gangster world. How is he going to run from the po-po? What if you and your buddy are slangin' dope on a street corner one night and are suddenly caught in the headlights of a squad car? I know he claims to be of your own flesh and blood ("cuz") but he will not think twice about pushing you down and jumping fences when the going gets tough.

Do pose with drug paraphernalia.

Don't pose with cheap fruity liquors AND Don't pose in your roofing workshop.

Why? Well let's take a look at some Parrot Bay drinks:
Lesbian Lover
Dressed Up Pina Colada
Blue Midnight
Easy Creamsicle
Sweet Lollishots

Imagine Raphael hosting a shin-dig at his crib in the hood one saturday night.

Jameriquie: "Say dawg, hook me up wit some-a-dat shiet."

Raphael (gay voice): "Well what would you like? We've got some lovely spritzers! My favorite is the Easy Creamsicle, oh my gosh, it's fantastic. Very fruity and delicious!

Jameriquie would then proceed to bust a cap in his ass.

Do serve Blavod - The world's only black vodka. A personal favorite.

Don't use hand signs that may be mis-interpreted as nocturnal animals.

Who is going to take you seriously? Not me. Although, I must give them points for posing in what looks like a jail cell. However, points off for flexing in the midst of other men.

Finally, the most important part of being a gangster, your face. One must strike fear into the hearts of their enemies with one single look.

Here are some examples of a BAD, non threatening face:

See? Not scary at all.

Now, Before you read any further, I must caution you, the images you are about to see are of professional gangsters and although you can feel the intimidation oozing from your pc moniter, I must urge you to finish the article, for it may very well save your life one day.

GOOD, scary, intimidating faces:

and now, for the grand finale: Johnny Digital himself! (cover your eyes and scroll if you are under 18.)

Ok, you can look now.

Remember, a succesful gangster shows no mercy. A successful gangster is always one step ahead of his enemy. A successful gangster is a happy gangster.

Younger Girls vs. Older Guys

DISCLAIMER: If you are uptight and make it a practice to misinterpret articles on the internet as being truth and making assumptions about the author and/or his personality/morals in relation to this purely for entertainment value based journal entry, then please close this blog and return to knitting your quilt. Thank you.
In my few years of being a legal "adult" I have encountered on many occassions a problem that I feel should be addressed.

Why can't the laws be shifted so that people 21 yrs and under be able to [insert verb here]
people 15 yrs and older? Now let me clarify that for you. When I say people 21 yrs and under, I'm refering to guys. More specifically, me. When I say people 15 yrs and older, I'm refering to girls. More specifically, teeny bopper hoes. Catch my drift? Ok, now heres why I think so:

1. Everyone is doing it.

That's right, peer pressure. If everyone is doing it, then you might as well make it legal. The over crowding of jails is a very important issue in America today, especially since the news of Britney Spears coming back to music. It is then our obligation to change these laws so that the young men of our country won't have to fret about being caught and turned into someones prison bride. It is for this reason that I practice the "drop and cover" move when I'm in the shower, so that one day, if needed, I will be prepared. ("Drop the soap, cover the ass")

2. Girls WANT older guys

Putting a college guy in a highschool is like throwing raw meat into a lions den. It's like they've got a built in radar or a 7th sense.(the 6th being the ability to smell bullshit) The only thing that holds them back is the damn soccer mom law makers who think its "within their daughters best interest." They think they know us. They say that we think about sex every 5 seconds or so, well I've got news for you, we've gotta sleep sometime!

3. It's in our heratige!

If Frank Sinatra and Elvis can bang 15 & 16 year old girls then by golly so can I. Pre WWII there was no such thing as a 'teenager'. Boys were suddenly men as they climbed the mount of their 13th birthdays. Girls were now women and getting married at the age of 14. I say we return to our roots and re-capture the innocence of that era by eliminating the age limit laws.

4. It will prepare them for thier future.

Everyone knows that if you want to be good at something, you have to have a teacher. Take Yoda and Luke for example. Where would Luke be if it weren't for his master Yoda? Well he'd probley be a douche bag fairy boy with no balls going after some girl who was ugly as the previously stated imaginary balls. Wait, thats actually how the story goes. Bad example. What I'm trying to say is, is that we need to think about our young daughters futures! We want them to succeed in life don't we? We don't want them to be losers do we? No! Ok then, so we agree that dating/fooling around with older guys is necessary in their teenage development.

So! I must urge you to consider the said arguement and perhaps write a strongly worded letter to your local congressman. Thank you, thank you very much.

This article may have been based on real events. (But not likely)